Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My bed smells like the plague
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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