If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
