Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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