Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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