Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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