if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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