the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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