the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my being single is dangerous.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
