I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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