Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
