i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
