He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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