I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
