I hate your face
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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