i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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