She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
