he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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