My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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