I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
