so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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