dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
