All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
