if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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