make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
