I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
