Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
