omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
