my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
