Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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