if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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