there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
