Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
