I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
