my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
