Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
