just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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