chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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