come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
