You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
