I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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