so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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