I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
