The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
