He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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