My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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