I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
