the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
