Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
