So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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