So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
